What Does the
Bible Say About Dating, Sex, and Marriage?
What is the biblical/Christian view of dating, sex
and marriage?
"Values not unified and integrated into a meaningful
and coherent vision of human life will merely float like so much foam on a raging river. .
. .if values are not to be subjective aesthetic preference or mere fig leaves hiding
political ambition, they must be rooted in religious conviction."
- Bryce J. Christensen in School-Based Clinics, 122-123.
What is the biblical view of dating?
The Christian view of dating is based on biblical
principles which God has designed to protect relationships, marriage and the family.
There are at least four principles of Christian dating
which, if obeyed, will prevent the kinds of tragedies that millions of our kids suffer
today. While the level of indidivual maturity may affect one's approach to some of these
principles, we think they are sound general standards.
1.Respect the purpose of dating
The first principle is that serious dating is primarily an
activity designed for finding a marriage partner. This means that kids should consider
postponing serious dating until they are ready to handle the responsibilities of marriage.
Thus, it is better that they start dating later than earlier. As noted before, statistics
indicate that when children being dating at a very young age (the early teenage years),
they are much more likely to begin sexual activity and become pregnant or married before
they are ready than if they begin dating in the later teenage years.
2.Select your dates carefully
The second principle is to date Christians only. The modern
Church offers many examples where Christians decided to date non-Christians--even
innocently or with good motives--and ended in trouble. The reason for this is because the
differences between the committed Christian and the non-Christian are so profound that the
couples have little in common spiritually to begin with and are principally attracted on
physical or emotional grounds. This tends to set the tone for their subsequent
relationship. Further, if an emotional attraction develops on the part of the Christian to
the nonChristian, this easily leads into compromise of one's own convictions in order to
retain the relationship. By dating only Christians, these problems are prevented.
3.Select your dates even more carefully.
The third principle is to date only committed Christians.
Dating a person who is not a committed Christian or who is a "worldly" Christian
is usually not that different from dating a non-Christian. If an emotional involvement
develops, it is just as easy for the committed Christian to compromise his/her standards.
This may even happen more readily because the other person is still a Christian and thus
may be sensitive to spiritual things.
4.Be abstinent by personal conviction.
The fourth principle is no sexual involvement prior to
marriage. Although in our day and age it is easy to compromise and attempt to limit
sexuality to kissing and petting, in the end this will prove destructive. Petting
especially generates strong emotional attachments which are better left alone and reserved
for marriage. It also makes it far more easy to give in to fornication which God considers
a serious sin and which He will punish His children for. This is why God says, "But
among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality" (Ephesians 5:3).
With proper personal standards, dating can be a lot of fun
and a source of great mutual enrichment, encouragement and growth in the faith. But when
the above standards are violated by Christians, the result may be great pain or even
tragedy.
What is the biblical view of sex?
The Bible teaches that sex is to be reserved for a
life-long monogamous commitment in marriage because this is the way God intended it. In
other words, no sex before marriage. Some people may grumble at this, but why should
anyone be surprised that God knows what is best sexually for those He created as sexual
beings?
Sex is so much more than mere physical pleasure that it is
not incorrect to say that it is principally an emotional/spiritual act before it is a
physical one.
Is it really impossible to wait until one is married to
engage in sexual activity? It may be difficult, but it is hardly impossible. There are
many Christians who have waited five, ten, fifteen, even twenty years before engaging in
sexual relations with their spouse. There are many more people who have remained celibate
their entire lives for various reasons, including devoting themselves to Christian
service. Again, no one is saying that it is easy, but it is what God commands because He
knows what is best for us. Further, it is a lot easier than suffering some of the
consequence of illicit sex, such as unwanted pregnancy, a bad marriage or death from AIDS.
Further, unless a Christian deliberately and willfully sins
in this area, or allows himself to be self-deceived in the area of sexual morality, God
will provide the strength needed to obey Him. But the welcomed fact is that the vast
majority of people are going to get married, and they really do not need to be concerned
over the issue of abstinence for very long. Because this is true, Christians should commit
themselves all the more to honoring the Lord with the life that they have while single.
The biblical view of sex can be seen in the following
passage: "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid
sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is
holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that
in this manner no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will
punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not
call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction
does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit" (1 Thessalonians
4:3-8).
What this means is that no one who has ever violated this
command has not suffered the consequences: It is far better not to suffer those
consequences.
This is why God warns, "The body is not meant for
sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. . . .Flee from sexual
immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually
sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit,
who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you are bought at a
price. Therefore, honor God with your body (1 Corinthians 6:13, 18-20).
Thus,
"But among you there must not even be a hint of sexual
immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these things are improper for
God's holy people" (Ephesians 5:3) and "Put to death, therefore, whatever
belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, and
greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming" (Colossians
3:5-6).
The reason God wants us to wait until marriage is because
He wants to protect the most important sex organ we have--our mind. Those who do wait
usually have better marriage relationships. This is not necessarily because the sex is any
better (though there are those who argue it is), but because a mutual trust has been
established at the beginning of the relationship which provides a good foundation for a
successful marriage.
Because sex is a gift from God, it is properly subject to
His loving commands. Since God is the author of sex, then having sex in accordance with
His purposes should not only produce the best sex, but also the best sexual development.
God also wants to protect us from fear and give us peace of
mind in the area of sexually transmitted diseases--those who wait for sex until marriage
have this peace.
God also wants to protect us from being unable to discern
the difference between love and sex, and He wants us to have a logical basis to know
whether or not we are in love or whether it is primarily our hormones or emotions speaking
to us.
In essence, the reason for the biblical teaching about
sexuality is because God is the one who made sex and designed it to be enjoyed in the
manner it was intended. Like anything whose proper function is abused, it either doesn't
work well or causes additional problems. God wants to protect us from this, and He wants
to provide the best for us in a quality mate simply because He loves us. This is why He
has given us commands to obey and why we should give our children the same commands.
Rejecting God's principles for sex only produces the
problems we see about us today. Because sexual permissiveness is destructive to the
created order, it is ultimately self-destructive. Thus, parents who have educated their
children in biblical standards concerning sexuality--and children who have obeyed those
injunctions--characteristically have fewer of the problems encountered by those who are
educated in liberal attitudes toward sex. They do not have to deal with guilt, broken
relationships, emotional problems, suicide, sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted
pregnancies, abortion or other problems.
The biblical view of sex may not be popular in our
culture--but it is demonstrably what is best for our culture--for ourselves, our children
and for our nation.
What is the biblical view marriage?
Most people will concede that when two people have vast
differences in beliefs and lifestyle, differences to which they are both equally
committed, they marry and only at their own risk. For example, the Bible teaches that
Christians and non-Christians live on two entirely opposite planes of existence. The
Christian is primarily concerned with living for Christ and honoring Him in the world
according to biblical standards. The nonChristian is primarily concerned with his own
interests, living according to worldly standards and ignoring the wishes of God.
The basic approach to life of the Christian and
non-Christian are so opposite that it is hardly surprising that when they marry one
another, they stay together only with the greatest of difficulty--or that spiritual
compromise on the part of the Christian is the order of the day.
The apostle Paul discusses some of the differences between
the Christian and the non-Christian when he writes, "Do not be yoked together with
unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? What fellowship can
light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial [Satan]? What
does the believe have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the
temple of God and idols" (1 Corithians 6:14-16)?
Because the differences between the Christian and
nonChristian are so great, this is why God warns that Christians are to marry "only
in the Lord" (1 Cor. 7:39).
The institution of marriage was never something that was
invented by men for reasons of convenience or practicality. God is the author of marriage
and He began it the day He created woman to be a companion to man: "The Lord God
said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. . .
.So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. . . .Then the Lord God made a
woman from the rib he has taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man
said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for
she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be
united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:18, 21-24).
We can see here that marriage is designed by God and
involves certain things. First, the woman is designed to be a helper to man and just as
obviously, the man is designed to love, nurture and protect the one that was taken from
his own body (compare Ephesians 5:27-30). The fact that the woman was initially taken from
the man's body and made separate from him is complimented in a wonderful manner when a man
and a woman are joined physically in marriage.
Second, God instructs the man and woman to leave their
father and mother. This is something that can cause serious problems in a marriage
relationship if those who become married do not successfully leave their parents in order
to "cleave together" to begin their new relationship.
Third, a man and woman are to be united together "and
they will become one flesh." Again, this physical uniting goes far beyond the
physical dimension and also involves an emotional and spiritual uniting.
Indeed, marriage itself parallels what God did through the
incarnation of Christ. What did God do in the incarnation and what are its results? Put
simply, God Himself left His own "family" in heaven, came to earth and made a
public declaration of His love for mankind at the cross. Because of this, when a person
receives Christ, they are married to Him, He comes into them and there is unity and a new
birth or new life.
This spiritual reality is paralleled in the marriage of a
man and woman. A man or woman leaves his/her family and comes together at the marriage
altar, making a public declaration of their love for one another. The man who has received
his wife goes into her where there is joy and unity and eventually new life.
Perhaps one reason why God treats the sexual acts so
seriously is because of all that it implies in its relationship to what He has
accomplished in the incarnation and His relationship to the Church. Thus,
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church
and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water
through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or
wrinkle or another other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought
to love their wives as their own bodies. . . After all, no one ever hated his own body,
but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the Church--for we are members of his
body. "For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife, and the two will become one flesh," this is a profound mystery--but I am
talking about Christ and the Church. (Ephesians 5:25-32)
And, "Do you not know that your bodies are members of
Christ Himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute?
Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in
body? For it said, "'the two will become one flesh'" (1 Corinthians 6:15-16).
In other words, the spiritual aspects of marriage are far
more profound than many people might ever suspect.
This is why it is so important for Christians only to date
committed Christians and to resolve in their hearts only to marry committed Christians.
Not only is their own spiritual welfare at stake but that of their children as well--and
perhaps their entire family lineage extending into multiple generations.
By committing oneself to marrying a committed Christian one
is, in effect, guaranteeing he/she will raise godly children who themselves will raise
godly children.
But the Christian view of marriage goes further and also
prohibits divorce, something God says that He hates (Malachi 2:16). God Himself says that
He has married His Church; it is the bride of Christ. Certainly, one reason God hates
divorce is because if marriage itself parallels God's relationship to His Church, then
what does divorce imply about the faithfulness of God? This is why the apostle Paul
emphasized, "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): a wife must
not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be
reconciled to her husband. A husband must not divorce his wife" (1 Corinthians
7:10-11).
No one who has undergone the tremendous pains of divorce
and seen its results in the lives of their children will easily disagree with God's
assessment of the importance of the marriage bond.
The nature of marriage--its uniting of two individuals in
body, soul and spirit--explains why people who divorce for reasons other than infidelity
and then remarry technically commit adultery. It is impossible not to: "But I tell
you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to
become an adulteress, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery"
(Matthew 5:32).
Of course, like any other sin, divorce is something that
God forgives. He also forgives adultery. Those who have made mistakes in this area need
the understanding and compassion of the Church and the knowledge of Christ's forgiveness.
But rather than risk divorce and adultery, it seems to make more sense to engage very
carefully in the selection of a marriage partner so that one will never have to encounter
the pain of separation and all it involves.
All this is why God gives us such strict guidelines in
relationships and marriage--He knows how He has created us, what human nature is like,
what is or isn't in our best interest. In truth, the commands God has given are only those
for our own best welfare. A God of love would do no less (1 John 4:8).
In conclusion, dating, sex and marriage are all wonderful
gifts from the Lord and those who take them seriously will find great reward.
For more detailed information, see our Resource Catalog and
the program entitled, How to Protect Your Children When
They Are Taught the Fatal Myths of Condom-Based Sex Education.
Also see our The Facts on
Sex Education book, available for a gift of $5 plus $2 shipping and handling to the
ministry.
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